Guitars, cadillacs, hillbilly music...

We're looking at houses again. Out in Dallas. I don't know why I torture myself with this. I get all excited, I get into the spirit of things, I re-read "The Horse Whisperer", listened to George Strait, found the absolutely most perfect ranch in the whole world....and then Dan changed his mind and went back to "we'll buy one one day".

I can feel my heart sink in to the cowboy boots I have not yet been able to buy.

It's not about money or being rich, being posh, having a house that cost half or a million dollars, it's not about giving up working, or leaving this country. It's about the same thing it's been about for hundreds of years. The promise of something better, feeling like you could actually do something with your life. Probably the single most important reason people from over here started moving to America in the the first place.

It's about space and feeling free, feeling the wind blow when I am not on my way to do something I am obliged to do. Maybe in my head it's about having time to just be alive in the world. Just to see fields and trees and feel the elements and know that I don't have to be anywhere or do anything if I don't want to. It's about time.

Maybe I want to buy ranches the way middle aged men want to buy sports cars? who knows.

I think I am having my midlife crisis. That's bad because I'm 38, that gives me 38 more years. I'd be 76 - that's not old.

But I don't really feel like me any more. I feel like Dylan's mum, Dan's wife and an employee. That's about it. I'm just sort of here. I go to work, I come home, I cook the dinner, I get my kid ready for bed - rinse and repeat.

I wish we could just go...living in hope is not always a good thing. Sometimes you should just live in the now. It's easier.