What happens to life?

Dan is having one of his "music evenings". Usually, this consists of him playing a bunch of Woodstockesque songs and saying "do you remember this one?" - No. I was 2 when you were 20.

Tonight, in the middle of a bunch of stuff that's more like the soundtrack of a Vietnam movie, he suddenly played Janice Ian "At Seventeen". It stopped me in my tracks and reminded me of just how sad I was growing up.

I never really did the whole "love" thing, or maybe I did it, but nobody did it back. I always just wanted someone to love me the way I could love them. I had such a huge capacity for love and there was no-one there to receive it and love me back. I don't suppose anything much changes. Once you have a lonely kid in you, you never really shake her, and whenever something goes wrong, she comes back out from behind a tree in a field, somewhere in 1976 and reminds you that no one ever really loved you anyway.

I suppose I should spend more time playing with her, maybe then she wouldn't be so bitter all the time.

One thing I know is that I will send my little boy anonymous valentines cards all his life and he'll never find out they are from me. No one should ever be the one that didn't get a card. Ever.

Anyway, we put in a Koi pond on Sunday and the fish finally got to move home. Dylan is very nonplussed by it, like it happens every day, but let him see a new vaccuum cleaner or lawn mower and you'd think he just saw the first moon landing. He's a weird kid but I love him. That's why I will be Valentine mommy forever, but I needn't worry, he is so handsome, he'll never be short of a card , or someone that loves him.