Another February 11th.

We were pregnant and we lost the baby :(

I found out on January 19th and emailed Dan and we were all so happy, but we were scared too, we're old now and there was a good chance something could go wrong, and on February 8th, it did.

It was the first day of the snow. Deep snow, started at 5:30am, just when I got up, and I went to work in a blizzard and found half my office didn't bother coming in.

As per my usual settling in routine, I went to make a de-caff and then to the toilet and I was bleeding. I told my boss I had to go and went to the hospital, they sent me for an emergency scan.

First of all, she told me "There is something in there, but I can't find a heart beat" then as she said it, we both saw it beating on the screen....so she used the internal scanner and there he was, little B2 with a little heart beat. She said he was measuring small and the heart was beating very slowly. I timed it about 70 bpm, and I touched him on the screen. I asked her for a picture of him and she made one for me. I wish Dan could have been there to see him, but he was home with Bu because of the snow.

When he called and I told him I was going to the hospital, he asked me should he come too, but I told him no, stay home so I know where you are, and call me every hour. Dan called at 9:30am, just as I was going in, again at 10:30 when I was waiting to be seen, and at 11:30 when I gave him the bad news. He also called at 12:30 to see if I was ok. I got home at about 1pm.

They booked me to come back in 12 days, February 20th, and sent me home to wait.

We were very sad and trying to sound hopeful in front of each other. They had said since he only measured 6w1d that it may be that the dates were wrong and his heart had only just started beating - but I knew it wasn't right. She wrote on our notes that the sac was disproportionately large and I knew right away she knew it was abnormal.

We didn't know what to do. But there was a lot of snow and one very happy little four year old, so we did what good parents do and we built snowmen in the dark. A mummy, a daddy, a Dylan and a Sasha. No one knows but in front of the mummy snow man, I built a tiny B2 snowman, just because on that day, we were a family of four not three and I had to mark it somehow. You can barely see him in the photo, just the top of his head, but I know he was there that day.



See him?


Well, Friday I stayed home too, and we went to the park with Dylan on his sledge and Dan and he had a lot of fun. Saturday was uneventful and on Sunday, February 11th, the blood quit being brown and started being tinged with red. I got a few cramps and knew it was going to be that day.

It started about 4pm, it wasn't so bad, not like the last one, I tucked Dylan off to bed at 8pm and at 9:30pm it was all over. I found the gestational sac, I didn't know what to do so I wrapped it in some tissue. I'd known really since Thursday that this was coming and I'd had time to knit him a tiny blanket that I edged with black ribbon. I just couldn't "dispose" of my baby, I am supposed to bury him in the garden but I am having thoughts that I might go down to St Mary's late at night and bury him on consecrated ground. I haven't shared this with Dan.

Now, we are a family of three still and this is almost an exact replay of what happened in 2002. On February 11th 2002 I had my first miscarriage. I had a normal period in March 2002 and by April 2002, I was pregnant with Dylan.

I hope it goes the same way this time.

Good night, you're not alone in the dark, someone somewhere is wondering about other people who feel the same way you do, whatever the cause of your unhappiness, someone out there is going through it too, right now. Be strong and believe that somewhere out there in the world, someone would hold your hand, if only they knew you.